Greener pastures

The grass is always greener on the other side. That is the way i used to live my life.

If I zoom in on every period of my life there has always been the next thing that I was looking forward to. For instance, when I was a little girl I wanted to be in ‘big school’, then I wanted university, then marriage, when I was married I wanted kids and now that I have kids I keep looking forward to when they’re a bit older. It’s not that I’m an ungrateful person, i’m just a restless and impatient person by nature.

Then I had a chat with my granny and she told me that these are the best days of my life and that I should not take them for granted. This made me realise that I’m always yearning for the next best thing without truly appreciating what I have right now.

My granny told me that before you know it your kids will be grown up and they won’t have much time for you anymore. My gran is 88 years old, blind, has parkinsons, arthritis and due to a recent fall spends most of her time in a wheelchair reminiscing about the past. This was a wake up call like no other. Was I wishing away the best years of my life?

She explained that all one really wants is to be needed and loved and that children love and need unconditionally.┬áIt’s amazing how these words of wisdom changed my perspective of my life. I really don’t want to wake up one day only to find that I took the best years of my life for granted.

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A narcissistic view

Life can be tough, just dealing with everyday normal shizniz can bog one down but I’ve been talking to some people who deal with partners who are narcissistic and suffer from borderline personality disorder and wow, I thought motherhood was tough.

Living with someone who needs to berate you in order for them to feel good about themselves is just wrong but it’s an actual disease. So, is the ill person to blame or should the significant other be blamed for sticking around and waiting for the next verbal blow to come. I’m really not sure.

I’ve been grappling with this question all day because in the past it was all black and white for me. “If you’re being abused physically, verbally or mentally then get the hell out.” Or stay in the relationship and stop complaining. But what about the, “through sickness and health” bit? I suppose as I get older I get softer and the lines get blurred and you really are faced with different shades of grey.

The thing is, these abusive people don’t always start off that way. A trauma usually triggers it and then they need help, professionally and personally but at what expense?

I have no answers, just putting my thoughts out there. But I do hope that when things get dangerous the other person in the relationship will be strong enough to just get out.

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The pursuit of happiness

As this year draws to a close, so too I’m working towards a resolution of eradicating the crazy and embracing the peace.

This year has been particularly difficult for me, aside from our house being invaded by thugs and being held down with guns, my boys were sick a lot and these things can really take its toll on a person. I often find myself rushing from one manic chore/duty to the next and then when the day ends I’m completely knackered but something happened this weekend.

I was sitting on the beech with my kids and suddenly i stopped and noticed the waves, I smelt the salty air and noticed that my children were having fun. I realised that I hadn’t done this in ages and almost forgot what peace and contentment felt like. It was amazing. After about five minutes my kids started fighting and it was all over. It had been so long since I last felt like that and the reminder I experienced made me come to the realisation that I desperately need some peace and will be making a concerted effort for it.

So here’s to a year of happiness, laughter and just appreciating the little things.

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